Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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