That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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