he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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