if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
