dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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