the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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