dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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