I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
