Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
