At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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