apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
