I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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