Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
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Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
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And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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