If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Randomize
