remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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