Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
