I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
