I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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