my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
