Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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