I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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