I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
