Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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