you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
