32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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