I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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