I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She swung at the pinata with crutches
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
