Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
