i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Drunk is not a location!
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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