I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
