This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
