I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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