Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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