Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
