Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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