I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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