Rock
Scissors
Fuck
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
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He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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