Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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