If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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