yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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