I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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