I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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