I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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