I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
