HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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