life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
