Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
