i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
