I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
