Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
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they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
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I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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