I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
