Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
