Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize