Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
