3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
