I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
