Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
