It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
