I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
