Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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