First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
